I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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