No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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