I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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