Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
