My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
