I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Randomize
