if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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