I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
