Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
