By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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