Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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