Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
