Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
