At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
