he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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