There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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