i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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