My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
