Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
