saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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