I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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