how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
