and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
