I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
