Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
