i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
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