Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
