i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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