Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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