I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
