At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
