Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
