Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
