I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
