just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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