I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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