Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Randomize
