I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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