Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
