This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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