He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
