you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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