oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
