Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
