Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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