Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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