I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
