So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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