I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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