My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
