So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
