soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
