Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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